Tag Archives: humour

Tweet, tweet

After a somber day it is great to lighten up…

https://twitter.com/wickedcynic/status/474355646595612672


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@WickedCynic and @JiminyKicksIt – Thanks for the laughs!

11 answers to 11 questions

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It’s Friday night and I’m tired and uninspired. It must be the fatigue from my return to work but my brain has adamantly refused to be creative this week. So, in order to shake off the cobwebs, I’m going to pull out an old blogging standard and answer some questions.

Here we go!

11 random questions I just asked myself

1) What is your favourite physical attribute?
My smile. I always try to keep it genuine.

2) What is your favourite aspect of your personality?
My humour. It has gotten me through some pretty rough patches.

3) What is the strangest lie you have ever told?
When I was leaving the closing ceremonies of the 2000 Olympics in Sydney, Australia, I convinced a train car full of people that I was the short stop for the Canadian softball team. (I happened to be wearing my Team Canada sweatshirt.) Everyone assured me that our 8th place finish wasn’t too bad.

4) If you could be a superhero, what power would you possess?
Super-speed. I would love to be able to zip around and get things done really quickly while everyone else puttered along at a normal pace. Then I could just sit back and chill.

5) On a scale of 1 to 10, how weird are you?
7.3

6. How do you feel about garden gnomes?
I used to be agnostic. Since Harry Potter, I never turn my back on them.

7) What time is it?
10:42 pm

8) Who is your current celebrity crush?
Richard Armitage. He’s a great Thorin Oakenshield, but I originally fell head over heels in love with him (sans facial prosthetics) as John Thornton in BBC’s adaptation of North and South.

9. Would you rather live in the fictional future or the fictional past?
As much as I love sci-if, I have to pick the past. I think my bosom was made for a corset.

10) What aspect of your personality do you hide from others?
I’m a huge romantic and love getting swept away by Jane Austin and BBC period dramas. See questions 8 and 9!

11) Are you ever going to finish writing your novel?
YES! Stop hounding me!

Do you have any questions you would like to ask… or answer?

Funny things my kids say #20

child-eating-bad-manners

The other day, I became disgusted while eating lunch with the 6-year-old. Like most kids his age, he still chews with his mouth open. Deciding it was a good moment to teach better table manners, I asked him to try chewing with his mouth closed.

He watched me demonstrate and then gave it a shot. After a couple of attempts, he sighed and rejected the new method.

“Nope. My teeth can’t open as much… it’s not very efficient.”

The kid is too smart for his own good!

Previous: Funny things my kids say #19

11 reasons I’m sick of winter

Templeofcats.com

Templeofcats.com

Apparently spring is on its way, not that the official date of the vernal equinox has ever mattered here in Nova Scotia. Our winter has a serious attitude problem and will hang around as long as it damn well pleases… thank you very much.

Usually I don’t tire of the snow and cold until at least the end of March but I think that the trip to Florida might have tripped a switch in my brain a few weeks early. This is all to say that I’m tired of winter and just want it to go home.

11 reasons I’m sick of winter

1) Fighting with the kids over snow pants – I know I’ll have the same complaint in the summer with regard to sunscreen and hats, but a certain eye rolling eight-year-old is really getting on my nerves with his daily no-snow-pants campaign.

2) Trying to stuff liners back in boots – Why are those removable liners such a breeze to remove and such a bitch to get back in? My fight with them in the morning inevitably leads to a bent back nail and then my hands smell like sweaty kid feet.

3) Wet stuff drying on radiators – We have beautiful old hot water radiators throughout the house but all winter they are draped with hats, mitts, jackets and snow pants. Oh and those boot liners, of course.

4) Static electricity – I now live in fear of opening any door with a metal knob and folding clothes full of fleece sweatshirts just makes my skin crawl. I feel like the cat in the picture.

5) Hockey gear – Starting on Friday evening, The Husband and both boys spend the majority of the weekend on the ice. There is a pile of sticks in the corner beside the front door that never moves and all weekend there are huge hockey bags in the foyer that just get stepped over until they’re put away on Sunday night. Say nothing of the furnace room in the basement where the gear gets aired out through the week on “sports trees”.

6) Noisy boys inside – How I long for the carefree days of summer when the boys and their friends would be outside until I called them in for bed. I would even feed them just by tossing food outside. These days, the weather is either too wet or too cold. After an hour, even I can’t force them to stay out any longer. I’m currently in the process of building a shrine to the real estate gods to thank them for our basement.

7) Salt stains – Who doesn’t hate the stiff white hems of pants that have soaked up the melted slush of the sidewalks and that horrible white crust that forms on your black leather boots? It also makes it harder to find your car in a parking lot because everyone’s paint now looks to be the same dirty shade of grey.

8) Dark and grey days – The days are finally getting longer, which is a good thing because months of waking up in the dark and coming home from work in the dark have caused my other senses to kick-in to overdrive. Have I mentioned the stinky boot liners?

9) Dry skin – My trademark black clothing, while slimming and easy to coordinate, only serves to highlight my seasonal full body flakiness. I’m also wearing away the door jambs around the house with all of the back scratching I’m doing.

10) Getting out of a warm bed – It is an internationally well-known fact that I’m not a morning person. Add frigid air and a cold floor into the mix and that snooze button is being hit at least three extra times before I will admit to being awake.

11) Talking about the weather – In warm weather climes, what do people talk about in elevators? Seriously, how do you break the silence with strangers if you don’t have the windchill to discuss?

Yes, I see the irony in my last point.

What do you hate about winter?

After Freshly Pressed…

Image: Tim Krochak

Image: Tim Krochak

Hurricanes are usually downgraded to tropical storms by the time they reach Nova Scotia, but in 2003 a category 2 hurricane hit us square on. Hurricane Juan at was peak intensity for 24 hours and Halifax was heavily damaged. (Not Hurricane Katrina kind of damaged, more like Hurricane Sandy damage.)

The morning after, Haligonians crept out of their homes to find trees down, cars smashed, and silence…

An eerie quiet had settled over the city. There was no power, roads were closed and only the Tim Hortons at the hospital was open. People wandered the streets pointing out damage, whispering sympathy and discretely taking pictures.

It was the literal embodiment of the proverb, “There is always calm after a storm.”

I have received more hits in the last two days than I ever have in an entire month. My “likes” and “follows” have skyrocketed and my comments are spilling onto multiple pages.

I’m now a little worried about the calm that will settle on this blog after the Freshly Pressed storm has dissipated.

I’m not being negative.

I’m ecstatic to have been selected and honestly never dreamed it would happen. I’m especially thrilled that it was this post that made the grade. I have received a tidal wave of support and I hope that one or two people may even have read something that has helped them.

I’m just a little confused where things go from here.

I’d really like for some of you stick around. I know it was my depression that got you here but I really am so much more than that. I’m also weird lists of 11 things, sappy nostalgia, and snippets of my family’s lunacy.

I’ve heard of the phenomenon where good blogs have shrivelled and died after the Freshly Pressed dust has settled. That the pressure of follow-up was just too much and bloggers have fled in panic.

While I admit I have no idea what to post next, this is really no different from my usual process. Hopefully one of the boys will crap his pants in a funny way and I’ll write about that.

See you then!

Funny things my kids say #19

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Since watching some Star Wars with the boys this weekend, there has been a lot of Yoda speak in the house. Tonight, after he was supposed to be asleep, we heard ET up out of bed. When we asked him why he was up, the 6-year-old said…

“Sense pee in the penis I do.”

Sigh…

Previous: Funny things my kids say #18

Funny things my kids say #18

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We woke up this morning at 5am. We flew all morning and then spent the afternoon at Epcot Center. It is now 8:30pm (9:30 our time) and we are all exhausted. But we promised the kids a swim so here we are. The kids have been troopers but they are now on the edge of insanity.

On the way to the pool, the husband said, “You guys need to calm down, you are too excited.”

The 8-year-old replied…

“What do you expect from kids on their first day at Disney!”

Gotta admit… he has a point.

Previous: Funny things my kids say #17

Games my children play

International Quidditch at Oxford University

International Quidditch at Oxford University

It’s been a while since I given you a List of 11, so today I present…

11 Games my children play

1) Zip cord – Invented on a rainy day, a string is tied from an upstairs baluster to a piece of furniture in the living room below. Every possible toy imaginable is then slid down the rope. Scores are awarded based on speed of slide and distance travelled.

2) Baby Koala – One of my least favourite because it involves ET crawling around whining like a baby… or baby koala, I guess. CJ takes care of him and supplies the eucalyptus leaves.

3) Hug Match – Wrestling, but given a cute/sly name so that Mommy won’t get angry when they break something.

4) Yeti! Yeti! Yeti! – A throwback to the annoying Pablo the Yeti character from the Backyardigans. My boys’ game has nothing to do with the Backyardigans except for the loud and grating call of “Yeti! Yeti! Yeti!” that CJ makes as he crawls around the floor chasing ET while covered in a blanket. The game always ends when my last nerve is frazzled and I order them outside… NOW!

5) Spy – Self-explanatory, I think. The beauty of this game is that it is inherently quiet and can be played in any venue. Indoors and outdoors, at home or at the grandparent’s… even once in church!

6) Slinky Kitty – This might sound a bit like an adult bedroom game but it’s much more innocent in our home. ET stands upstairs and drops poor Kitty wrapped in the end of a slinky. CJ is down below and tries to grab Kitty before he springs back up.

7) Wipeout – Similar to the TV show but a winter sport played around obstacles involving telephone poles, shovels and snow banks.

8) Quidditch – Just like J.K Rowling’s version but played in our backyard while riding hockey sticks in lieu of brooms… oh, and goals are scored in garbage pails.

9) Minecraft – Yes, I know everyone’s kids play Minecraft but mine play it outside without a computer. From what I have observed, the game is rooted around BDN’s son being a villager who makes an unacceptable barter trade. Of course, this leads to the arrival of an angry horde and chaos ensues.

10) Catch – A pretty standard game of catch but my boys stand only a few feet away and toss gently underhand. Apparently, they are aiming for a world record number of catches rather than an impressive degree of difficulty.

11) Queen Elizabeth – It is played outside with the whole gang of neighbourhood boys and CJ always plays the part of Queen Elizabeth. I have absolutely no understanding of this game.

I’m not sure what this list conveys about my children… I just wanted to share some of the craziness!

Do you have a favourite invented game from your family or your own childhood?

Funny things my kids say #17

roundabout

This is a picture of our local roundabout… with no traffic.

The boys and I now travel this route on Friday evenings, during the height of traffic, on the way to swimming lessons. Last week I found myself in the wrong lane and had to pull off an impressive feat of merging. It intrigued the kids and a slew of questions ensued.

For the rest of the drive, I explained why I had rolled the window down to make better eye contact.  I described how I had  mouthed, “Can I go?” and pointed in front of the neighbouring car. I recounted how my fellow driver had pointed back and given the thumbs up and that my over-the-shoulder wave had been in thanks…  and yes, he had waved back.

After this  long-winded (and slightly self-congratulatory) explanation, there was a pause. Then the 6-year-old asked…

“Is that how you and Daddy fell in love?”

Glad I wasn’t the only one who saw such beauty in the maneuver.

Previous: Funny things my kids say #16

Funny things my kids say #16

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In typical Nova Scotia fashion, our current winter weather is rain on the cusp of freezing and the children are housebound. We’ve invited BDN’s son over to play and he has just earned himself a guest appearance in Funny things my kids say

While digging through our toy box, the eight-year-old exclaimed,

“Wow! It’s been years since I’ve seen a slinky!”

Isn’t it nice to reminisce about your earlier childhood?

Previous: Funny things my kids say #15