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Whenever someone gives birth to an important baby, it really reminds you how many garbage babies you pretend to be excited about every year.

— Jason (@longwall26) July 22, 2013

I've finally figured it out. Radio ads exist to give you something to hate just a little bit more than radio content.

— Chapin (@Chapinc) July 21, 2013

I wish the Bad News Bears were actual bears who went around breaking bad news to people and then hopefully mauling them

— donni saphire (@donni) July 18, 2013

When someone is in a bad mood, be sure to remind them that "tomorrow is another day" because, who knows, maybe they forgot how time works.

— Jason (@longwall26) July 16, 2013