Art by Allie Brosh http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/
WARNING: If you are my mother, you may want to skip this post.
March is next week and I’ve just uncovered a pile of unopened Christmas cards in the kitchen drawer. I had a rough winter and things that I couldn’t face were pushed aside. If I open those cards, I’ll have to acknowledge the relationships they hold. Concede that there are people who care, have to care for them in return.
Life isn’t as easy to shove away as those colourful envelopes.
There have been too many lies in my life. I lie to cover-up my feelings and I lie to make people go away. Eventually the lies become too many; too many to keep track of and too many to care about. The lies are my shield, but they make me tired.
When I get too tired, I just want it all to end.
I now realize I’ve been depressed since my teen years. There were so many days that I pretended to be sick because I couldn’t go to school and face my small group of friends. Only now do I see I wasn’t pretending… I really was sick.
Everything came to a head in university. That’s when the people became too many, the exposure constant and the expectations too great.
It takes a tremendous amount of energy to act happy everyday when you aren’t. This energy gets sucked away and there is no way to recharge it, no way to rebuild the facade that gets you through the day. The only coping mechanism in my arsenal was avoidance.
Like the Christmas cards in my kitchen drawer, I started pushing the things I couldn’t deal with out of sight. I broke up with my boyfriend and cut off my friends. I was getting A’s but I stopped attending classes. I withdrew from daily life and spent my days hiding in a distant corner of an obscure building. I told myself that nobody missed me.
At home I lied that classes were great. All was fine, I was okay. I lied with every breath and I got tired.
When I got too tired, I tried to make it all end.
I lied to my doctor to get pills. I lied to my family so I could stay home that day. I lied to myself and was convinced it was best for everyone.
My family came home early and found me. No one can lie well enough to pretend that hasn’t left a scar.
Now that I’m older, I’m not as good an actor as I once was and my loved ones can better sense my lies. They feel me withdrawing and they pull me back in… I’m still depressed.
Recently there have been days when I’ve told myself that it would be better for everyone if I was gone. But now I have kids and that lie is too big to be convincing. Even I can see the truth, how it would fuck them up forever.
I’ve only just come out of the dark tunnel that I was in over the winter. New drugs, a new therapist and a trip in the sun have helped. I seek support and talk easier now than I did when I was younger… I have a hell of a lot more to lose.
Maybe tonight I’ll open those Christmas cards.
________________________________
Notes:
This post is a follow-up to a previous post about stigma and suicide. Stigma and disgrace have no place in a discussion about mental health, yet depression is still commonly viewed as a personal weakness. I’m embarrassed to admit that I have a mental illness called dysthymia.
Dysthymia is a long-term chronic depression that lasts years and typically characterizes itself as low energy and drive, low self-esteem, and a low capacity for pleasure in everyday life. Dysthymia may result in people withdrawing from stress and avoiding opportunities for failure. In more severe cases of dysthymia, people may even withdraw from daily activities.[1]
Dysthymia often goes hand in hand with other mental illnesses. In my case, I also have periodic major depressive episodes that are thought to be triggered by extremely low serotonin levels in the winter.
*If you want to read about how the “detached, meaningless fog” of depression feels like owning dead fish, please read Hyperbole and a Half’s “Depression Part Two”. Allie Brosh has truly captured what living with depression can feel like. I’ve never read anything better.
Art by Allie Brosh http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/
[1] “Proposed Endophenotypes of Dysthymia: Evolutionary, Clinical, and Pharmacogenomic Considerations.” Niculescu, A.B. and Akiskal, H.S. (2001). Molecular Psychiatry 6 (4): 363–366.
Escaping Elegance 
Suffering from mental illness is not shameful. I say that because I have been living with major depressive disorder my whole life, diagnosed at 17, and I was ashamed for many years. I still get angry and wonder why I have this disease, this innate saddness that runs through my veins like blood. It is a life long war with new battles every day, and I have realized that I AM strong because I DO get through each day. I wish you the very best in your struggles…
I agree that mental illness is not shameful. Unfortunately our society hasn’t caught up with that clear thinking.
Your analogy to war is a good one. Everyday is a different battle and you don’t always win them individually. We are strong, you’re right, because we show up to the fight everyday.
Take care of yourself as well. 🙂
You are dead on about society’s lack of understanding.
Let’s keep talking about it and change the world!
YES! 😊 Awareness is the key!
It is good to seek support from others. I’m glad that your family is always there to help you during those hard moments.
Honest writing. I wish there was some tonic to keep those fishes alive and well, instead of going to look for and buying new ones.
Take care. 🙂
Thank you for the support. The kindness of readers has been overwhelming and I truly appreciate every word!
just such an amazingly honest, brave and moving post, thank you, and what a brilliant collection of comments, stay with us, keep writing, smile whenever you can, sending you some metaphorical bright yellow sunshiney daffodils ♡
Ohhhh… how nice! I love daffodils! And thank you for the sweet comment, too.
I also offer my support. Life can certainly be tough at times.
Thank you! For reading and taking the time to comment. 🙂
You are most welcome!
You are welcome!
Reblogged this on Indian Saffron.. by prenita dutt and commented:
Touched by the honesty of words and tautness of emotions…
Thanks very much. I’m honoured. 🙂
Stay well…. You have the good wishes of many around the world 🙂
Stay well….you have the good wishes of many around the world 🙂
Fellow struggler!! It seems you are pretty self aware which will help you through. Know ing youare not alone never helps int he midst of the chaos, but holding on to the knowledge that a day never lasts forever, and taking one at a time has been my coping strategy. Stay with us.
I’m sorry I’m not alone in this! But, since we are in it together, let’s remember that we are stronger than the lies and pain. Thanks for lending your support and taking the time to comment.
I almost died from a stroke. Now that was twelve years ago and the pain was severe. I have a weak heart and still want to live. Depression can not be cured only manipulated on a constant basis. I wish you the best and hope you keep up the work of manipulation. Remember you can not blog if you are dead. Except if you have long fingers.
Sadly, my fingers are very short and stubby! 🙂
I have accepted that I will always live with depression – it really is a chronic disease – I just need to stay healthy and on top of it. Thanks for sharing and take care of yourself.
Great post. Your writing gives us a glimpse into what depression looks like from someone suffering from it. I also love using the colorful Christmas enevelopes as a kind of symbol of hope. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment! I’m glad I was able to convey so much. 🙂
I came across a TED talk about depression, it’s very good. Let me root around and find it for ya. When people ask me what depression is, I found the answer on that talk. It’s the feeling of falling down a tall building without ever hitting the ground.” Or something like that. I’ve been there. Please hang on. XOXO
Thanks Sandy. It is very hard to explain the feeling of depression to the non-sufferers. That’s why I love Allie Brosh’s depression post. She writes about not wanting to live anymore – rather than wanting to kill herself – and this is exactly how I feel when I’m suffering the most.
I’ll do a search for the TED talk. Thanks for the heads up!
Here it is :
XOXO
Thanks!
Very interesting. I too, have Dysthymic Disorder and at times suffer from more serious depressive times. Just a few days ago was quite bad. I actually do feel your pain. Reach out and talk to a professional. Or feel free to contact me anytime through my blog.
http://www.minimalistlifestyle.wordpress.com
Thanks for sharing. The support and understanding I’ve received has made me very glad I decided to come out of the depression closet. I hope you are seeking your own help and that you look after yourself. Take care.
Cheers and all the best.
I loved what you wrote. We all lie to escape. To hide.
Very true. We just need to not let the lies hide who we really are. Thanks so much for reading.
Thank you for sharing. I had severe depression for a few years and remain on my meds. It’s not fun.
For a few years, I lived for my husband. I never believed in living life for anyone but one’s self; but I also knew that depression clouds my judgment. I held onto my hubby for dear life, because he shows me true love everyday… I’m sure your kids show you love in its purest form everyday. Hold onto it, let it be your reminder. Sometimes, we gotta fake it until we got it.
I, too, have an amazing husband who has kept my chin above water more times than I can count. Depression certainly does cloud your judgement! A friend calls depression the “biggest liar” and I have to remember that.
Thank you for sharing your own story.
Thanks for writing with such openness and transparency.
Thank you for reading with an open heart.
Your welcome!
I feel the same way sometimes. But I think you can see from all the comments you’ve gotten what an impact you’ve made. I think this blog is probably a way to heal for you. I know for me, I haven’t suffered as much as it sounds like you have but I do have depression, it helps if I create something. It makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something – whether I draw a comic or write a blog post or take a really good picture. Any of it helps. I know hearing ‘I hope you feel better soon’ is cringe-worthy, so I’ll just say that I hope your good days outnumber the bad, and I hope you find things to do that help you.
Thanks for the kind words. I’m actually feeling pretty good these days. I’m lucky to have such a loving and supportive family and I seem to be finding a better balance. I agree that creating is a tremendous therapy. Writing helps keep me healthy. That’s actually how I knew I had hit rock bottom this winter… the writing stopped.
Take care of yourself.
Wow, what a great piece. A lot of times I want to withdraw too, because it seems like no one really cares. Glad to see I’m not alone in that.
Thanks Ben. As you can see from the comments, You are definitely not alone… bitter, yes,…but not alone. 🙂
I love how you captured how much energy it takes to keep up the façade. Sometimes you really do have to fake it til you make it. but you will make it. One of the best lessons I ever learned was from my uncle – he told me : “Don’t ever let anyone steal your joy”.
No one has that right. Sharing emotions is a privilege. Not a right. noe everyone who thinks they have earned the right actually have and not all those who actually have, will maintain that status forever.
Find joy in the small things. They will add up. And don’t compare yourself to others. Which I realize is easier said than done in this Age of Constant Contact. http://phoenixfit4life.wordpress.com/2014/03/01/weekly-photo-challenge-abandoned/
“Don’t ever let anyone steal your joy”
Thank you for this. It is a wonderful mantra… I’ve got to start living this way. 🙂
I do so admire your honesty on your own personal journey to hell and back – the acting that has to be maintained whilst one is in the black-hole can be excruciating at times – may the colorful envelopes of Christmas be a stepping stone for you for into the spring that is just around the corner.
Thank you for the lovely words of support!
The thing about lying to people is that it is disgustingly, terrifyingly easy to lie to people who aren’t comfortable with the truth. You pick up a billion signs a day from folks confirming that they’d really prefer it if you’d just blurt out the usual, “Oh, fine. Maybe a little tired,” and then either shift the conversation swiftly back to them and their troubles or just go away. In fact, they not-so-subtly and consistently reward you for it. Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Most people spend entire lifetimes performing this way for “friends and family” never realizing that it constitutes self-lobotomization. The internal wounds, like everything else, are so easy to lie about. Pound for pound, people are more accepting and supportive of cancer in their loved ones than depression. Cancer is a thing separate from the person, and can be attacked without moral consequences. Depression seems to be the person, themself, and how do you attack that without being an asshole? You can’t.
Depression reminds other people of their own fallibility in the emotions arena and how dare you? How dare you interrupt them in their lying?
Good points. I often feel as if I’m protecting other people from my depression. Sadly, that’s the reason I usually let things get too far gone before asking for help. I just don’t want to “bother” people with my shit when they have their own to deal with.
You are also right that it is hard to call someone out on their depression. That’s one of the reason’s I decided to write about my own struggle. We need to make it more okay to talk about. We need to stop worrying about people being offended.
Thanks for the great comment.
Thanks for the well thought out reply. Nice.
I actually didn’t mean to allude to depression in my last paragraph, only to the fact that most people aren’t all that self-aware when it comes to their own darker emotions but I probably wasn’t being clear. No worries.
I would never “call someone out” on what I suspect to be depression. It’s a precarious position and you don’t know what unfortunate repercussions your actions might have. Instead, I’ve always found it universally helpful to simply be an opportunity for them to feel better. I’m a jokester, so that’s easy. If they accept my light, great, if they don’t, it’s not possible for me to force another person’s mental evolution and it’s insulting if I try.
I’m reminded of list a writer made similar to the famous Wear Sunscreen commencement essay in 1997: “Number 27 If someone tells you to leave them alone, leave them alone. If they really want to be alone, you’re doing them a favor. If they don’t, then they are manipulating you, so fuck them.”
It may sound harsh but if you don’t put your own health first in this world, you won’t be strong enough to be one of the lights. One drowning person can be helped by a swimmer. Two drowning people can only go under together. And sometimes, ya gotta swim past them to make it to your own shore.
Wise words. Reminds me of the pre-flight safety briefing where they tell you to put on your own mask before assisting others. I’ve got to do a better job of getting my own mask on!
That’s my other favorite analogy. So apropos. Women, especially, are taught to tend outwards but not in.
My third favorite analogy is to imagine one’s energy/love/joy like a pail of water. Most pour out a little bit for everyone they meet and then end up with an empty, resentful pail at the end of the day. They feel like everyone’s taking and they have nothing left to give.
But if they constantly fill their own pail by taking care of themselves first, the pail becomes so full it overflows and then the overflow can be spent freely on whomever they want. End of day: full pail, happy people, happy self.
We gotta take back the word “selfish.” It’s only used in a derogatory fashion by people who want you to ignore your own needs in favor of theirs, anyway. Far more efficient to be our own heroes and then be an awesome friends in our spare time as a hobby, not a job. If that doesn’t sound right to you, congratulations, the brainwashing took.
Go forth and be awesome. And then tell no one. That’s how you know you’re doing it right.
Damn… how did I become a resentful bucket?!? 😉 Thanks for all the wisdom. I will now go forth and be awesome… is it okay if I tell people about it a little bit? 🙂
If you’re truly awesome, you won’t have to advertise–everyone around you will feel it down to their toes and your applause will be their smiles.
Like so many others, I know this through and through. It makes my heart race to hear the strange feeling described by others, because there’s nothing like it. I didn’t answer phone calls on my birthday this year. It’s a comfort to know that somebody knows why.
Oh Kelly, don’t even get me started on answering phone calls! I still haven’t decided if “call display” is the best or worst thing that has ever happened to me. Thanks for taking the time to read and share. Take care of yourself.
Gotta love Hyperbole and a Half. Her illustration is the reason I clicked on your post, and I’m glad I did now I’ve read it!
I know! I hope people read more of her posts because she is the best! I have been in tears, holding my stomach just laughing so hard at some of her stories. The one about her catching the fish and then trying to kill it…?!? Hilarious! And I do not use that word lightly.
Thanks for reading!
I, too, share in the struggle to weather Dysthymia. Not diagnosed until I was sent home from college in 1997, I had fought a battle with a monster I could not see, one that made no sense to me since I was about 8 or so. I sought help myself through the counselor at school, but I was frustrated to find that was not much better.
Since leaving an abusive relationship fourteen months ago, I have been doing fairly well, and I usually spend some appreciable amount of time fighting off PTSD and panic attacks induced by unwelcome triggers. I haven’t really had the focus to notice where I am at with my symptoms, because recovering from the aftermath has taken everything. With two failed suicide attempts in my past (and almost a third in 2004), this is something I need to watch.
I am not ashamed of my affliction. For me, it’s more of a source of frustration, because I can pretty much do anything I set my mind to. Except defeat this. And I find it absolutely detestable, because when things are bad, this one thought plays on and aggravates the feeling of worthlessness.
Thank you for sharing with us.
I totally understand your feeling of frustration. I feel like I haven’t reached my full potential and let opportunities slip by because of my dysthymia. I’m glad to hear that you are winning the battle. Stay on top of it!
Thanks for such a great comment.
Steph, you talked me out of a very dark place in 1999. For as long as I live I will never forget what your words did for me that night. The truth is I keep slipping back into a dark place from time to time…it’s a constant, never-ending battle. When things decline I remember back to that night and pull myself back up again.
I have pushed some very good friends away over the years and I struggle when I’m taken out of my comfort zone, especially large social gatherings, which I used to love being a part of. Only a few very close and trusted friends are aware of my illness and I don’t think they even realise the extent of it as I try and hide it and cover it up as much as possible.
From day one I have refused to seek medical help as I have seen what the medication has done to several of my friends over a long period of time and never wish to go through that myself. My medication is my fitness regime. I feel good when I run – it enables me to switch off from the world, listen to music and relax. I stimulate my mind by setting fitness goals I once thought I could never achieve. I run until my body and mind tell me to stop…then I keep running for another hour just to prove my mind wrong. I love that feeling when I get through the psychological pain barrier and achieve something. Mental toughness is what gets me through my fitness goals…and it’s what gets me through life every day.
I now live by the beach because it is so peaceful and relaxing and it really helps. I love my family and friends very much and I promise I will never let this beat me.
Thank you so much for everything you have ever done for me. I love your blogs and I will continue to read them and be inspired by them.
A – I’m moved to tears. I think about that night too. I’m so proud to be your friend and touched that you remember me this way.
Running also became my salvation after the kids were born. Sadly, I was injured and had to stop abruptly. I’ve dabbled again but never re-found my rhythm. Fortunately, writing has helped filled the void.
I understand your mistrust of drugs. I’m fortunate that my doctor is also a very good friend. We’ve been together since uni and I trust her with my life – literally. I see my depression like type 1 diabetes… I’m missing an important natural chemical and it needs to be replaced. It’s not the whole puzzle but it’s a corner piece.
I love you and I miss you! XOXO
(PS. Thanks for reading.)
You’re quite welcome, by the way!
Oh, and how DOES one become “Freshly Pressed”? Because I arrogantly think I deserve front page attention every damn time I post! Ha ha. Just kidding.
(…not kidding.)
No, no – seriously kidding.
😉
Damned if I know! I have no idea how this post made the grade. I read so many wonderful bloggers who haven’t been FP. It is a huge boon to my confidence but I’m not going to read too much into it…
I’m sure you more than deserve the accolade… I’m going to have to pop over to see!
You clearly have your creativity as a resource…..it can be such a friend in the dark times……create create create…..doesn’t matter what…..words, things, ideas, images…….Do you know ‘The Artist’s Way’ by Julia Cameron…great ideas for using creativity as a resource in life. Warm thoughts.
I do know “The Artist’s Way” and try to live it. Thanks for the lovely comment and good wishes.
Reblogged this on tjphull.
Thanks for sharing. I’m truly honoured.
It was my pleasure.. and it was a must share.. Simply because this is a hidden truth in more people then you realize. Talking about it helps alot…. Hiding from it hurts in many ways….Thank you for this enlightenment.. I am the one who is honored to have come across this read… Keep doing what you are doing… You are helping in more ways then you may realize…. Bless it be!
I only read this because I was curious about the title. Your words explained how I felt during my 12 year marriage. Now, after five years, with a wonderful man, I’m better, not always great, but better. Thank you for being you! I think you are amazing. And I’ve only read one post! 🙂 Keep going–you got this!
Thank you for your lovely words! I’m glad to hear you are in a better relationship now. I know how important a good support person can be.
Thanks for reading.
Absolutely love this post! I can relate a lot to it. I struggled with depression a lot as a teenager. Now I’m 21 years old, and the mother to a beautiful little boy. I still have my run-ins every now and again with depression but he brings me back every time. Your writing is awesome! Look forward to seeing more.
Thanks so much! I’m sorry to hear you suffer from depression but am glad to hear you are enjoying your son. Sometimes it can be hard to appreciate them as much as they deserve when we are in a low. Hugs from my boys always make me feel better! 🙂
Someone else mentioned vitamin D. I want to say that I live in the Chicago area and definitely do not get enough sun in the winter. My doctor tested my blood (and my husband) for our vit D levels in the fall. It was already low then. You might consider takinging 1000 milligrams daily of Vitamin D3. I don’t feel so bad this winter since taking it as in years past.
Yup – 1000 units a day for sure! Thanks for reading and for caring enough to comment! 🙂 glad to hear you are having a better winter.
I only have one piece of advice to give you – please do not be embarassed about who you are and what you have. I hope things get easier for all, great post.
That is lovely. Sincerely, thank you.
God, that’s a good post. Suffering from dysthymia and SAD myself, and no one understands why. I must be a pretty good actor, because most of the time no one knows it. And I can fake it until I get home to the apartment….and sit in the dark and wonder what difference I make or why bother. Even though I’ve never acted on the thoughts, I fully “get” your blog. Keep looking towards the sun 🙂
The acting takes so much effort, doesn’t it? I truly wish I was alone in this… But since I’m not, let’s all keep talking about it. Then we can stop pretending and all get the support we need.
Thanks for your nice words, Jeff. I like to call myself a writer but somedays it is hard to believe. 😉
We do need to bring this “out of the closet”. When the divorce went through 8 years ago, I was very up front about letting people know that I was both seeing a doc and on meds. But the degree to which I’ve had an existential crisis since then,…..that seems to be hidden, because folks always give me platitudes. I saw a cartoon a while back that compared the sufferer of depression to a person whose hand has been mangeled in an accident, and the rest of the world compares it to having a paper cut. That one resonated.
And believe it….you ARE a writer. My own blog (greenfloss.wordpress.com) has helped me to at least find a voice to some of my inside thoughts (just the more confused ones, never the darker ones). Keep writing!!
Oh the platitudes!!! Don’t they just drive you nuts?!? “Tomorrow’s another day” is one of my favourites. They make me want to hit people! 🙂 Happy face so you don’t think I’m too violent…
Hi. I admire your confidence in getting yourself out here with your pain. Wouldn’t it be good if we could bottle the good days and take them as a boost on the bad ones?! Stay strong and safe. 😀
Thanks for the support. Truly means a lot!
This a really moving piece. I’m under 18 and I still think this extremely moving. You’re great at putting your words together in such a way. I am very sad to hear that you have been in depression. Nobody deserves to go through that.
Just popped over to your site… Sorry to hear that you are also fighting the fight. Together we’re stronger! 🙂 Thanks for your comment.
Thank you for this. I’m using your posts to explain a few things to a few people… :]
Really, thank you…
Wow! This has blown me away… Thank you for telling me this.
When I wrote the post, I hoped it might possibly help get people talking. So touched to hear my story has helped. Good luck and always know you aren’t alone.
You’re too good a writer to “take your ball and go home.”
Stay and play with the rest of us.
“Forever…and ever…and ever.” 🙂
You just made me “Ahhhhh” out-loud. Such nice words. Thank you very much for taking the time. 🙂
Reblogged this on The Seeker and commented:
There is no escaping should you suffer from a “brain” disorder. One cannot lie and hide about it. I have shared a bit of myself and I am sharing Escaping Elegance post. It speaks volume about what it’s like to have this “gift” I once mentioned before.
Thanks P.
My pleasure and my duty to educate people. Horay for a Canadian for being Freshly Pressed!
P.S. Do you have sun lamp. I have two that helps me get by during winter and spring.
I do have one at work. Thinking I should get one for home, too. Thanks for the suggestion.
Thank you for sharing and I have share part of me before. It’s tough, eh, but with support we will both get through. Take care. xox Perpetua. P.S. Congratulations on being FP.
Yes, I’m lucky to have a wonderful supportive family and the support from readers has been overwhelming – in emails and comments.
The FP caught me by surprise… I’m glad it was for this post. 🙂
Me too, me too. Do you mind if I reblog it?
I’d be honoured. 🙂
Thank you.
When I like your post, I do not like that you went through the same hard winter I went through – including the christmas card thing … Ironically, even when we hide from the rest of the world, we are not alone in our suffering. Here in the blogosphere a lot of people blog who suffer from depression. For me it’s a winter blues I sing my own song to (figuratively). As they say if you can’t fight it, befriend it. Just avoid Leonhard Cohen … (A colleague once named that singer’s music the soundtrack to suicide.)
But, being Canadian, I LOVE Leonard Cohen! 😉 It is funny how the wide expansive anonymity of the blogosphere helps us feel less alone. There are indeed a lot of us depressed types out there…
Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
Being depressive in winter makes me love Cohen, too … You have to use those songs for catharsis, not as an instruction manual, though.
🙂
I just got a letter in the mail today from my insurance company saying I “may benefit from increasing my Vitamin D” based on “their records of my health history”.
I guess they saw the now weekly therapy and psychiatric appointments? IDK but going outside in the sun does seem to help, until it starts snowing. This never ending winter has not been kind to those of us already in a deep depression.
I hear you! I really should be living in a sunny climate. I don’t mind the snow or cold, but the dark days are a killer… literally! 😉
Truly Brave sharing. I am so glad that your children are giving you a reason to live. I hope you find many more reasons too
Thank you. Support from readers is another reason. Everyone has made me glad I shared!
It was such a brave thing to have done. I have suffered with depression in the past. I know what a terribly debilitating thing it can be. Please continue to share
How can I not, after such a response! 😉
Hey Steph,
Just happened across your blog, and it moved me to tears. I’m currently coming to terms with being depressed, although never to the point where I’ve thought about ending it, and reading that I’m not the only one going through this turmoil is so helpful. Beautiful post.
I wish I was the only one dealing with this but, since I’m not, I’m glad my post is helping people open up.
Thank you for the wonderful comment… sorry about the tears! 🙂
No problem, feel free to drop over to the Escapologist’s Daughter if you ever need anyone to return the favour and remind you that you’re not alone. Stay strong 🙂
Thank you so much for your courage in sharing your story, breaking our silence is the only way people can begin to understand. I hope writing helps your recovery as much as it’s helped mine! Thank you!
Writing is definitely part of my therapy. That was one of the ways I knew I was on trouble this winter… The writing stopped. Thanks for the support!
Powerful words. The difference one day makes begins with choice. You are soaring now! Positive moments always!!
Thank you! I love hope-filled comments.
Such a lovely article, and quite comforting too. I suffer from depression and anxiety and it’s not always the easiest to deal with. I’m struggling to maintain my grades and I’m putting off going to university next year. But I have been setting myself smaller goals to achieve, so that I can work my way up to the bigger things. Slowly things get better, then they get worse and then they get better again. It’s all up and down.
Ever tried Moodgym? It was suggested to me by someone. I signed up recently and it’s like Cognitive therapy but online and really easy. You get modules that take about 20 minutes each to do. I only signed up 2 days ago and it’s very helpful. Tries to get you to identify and understand negative thinking and helps you to deal with situations.
Thanks for the great comment. I’m sorry to hear you are going through the same struggles. You are right that it always feels like two steps forward and one step back. Ups and downs but lets hope the ups are winning!
It’s amazing how much a trip in the sun can do, and I wish everybody could have one from time to time. I just wanted to say that I wish depression could be “cured” like any other illness, and then forgotten for good.
I’ve accepted that my depression won’t ever be cured and have begun comparing it to type 1 diabetes… I can get myself healthy with the right combination of drugs and a healthy lifestyle, but my body will always be lacking the right amount of a necessary chemical. When I think of it in those terms, it seems more acceptable.
I totally agree with you about the sun. The years that I traveled with tennis were my healthiest because I was always in a sunny clime. Beach vacations should be covered by my insurance! 🙂
I appreciate your honesty. I’m not the type to deny the way things really are- if anything I’m the opposite and I go overboard with my honesty and end up dwelling too much on things. But my husband is very much like you so I understand a bit. It takes a lot of courage to be honest and face up to your demons. I know I don’t know you but the glimpses I’ve had from your blog show that you’re an amazing person with much to live for. I’m thinking of you.
Thanks for the beautiful words and for your thoughts. I’m in a very healthy place right now and am surrounded by a lot of support. I’m a lucky person. As always, thanks for taking the time to comment.
As always, a thoughtful and insightful post. Take care of yourself, Steph.
Thanks friend. XO
I’m very sorry to hear winter stepped on your fish. My fish are dead, too. Since December-ish. I don’t know when it happened. The cold might have killed them, or the downslide after the excitement of the book launch… who knows. Just spent 3 weeks by myself on a ‘writing retreat’ thinking that would help. Very, very stupid to isolate myself like that. Now my fish are skeletons. There has been a lot of ‘excellent news’ lately, which somehow feels stale and boring to me, though I’ve never had such good news before, so how could it feel stale and boring? I can tell my mother thinks it’s absurd, but I can’t muster a genuine smile, or even a reaction. It’s like all the cells of my body are turned off.
I love Allie Brosh’s book. I keep it near. It feels better when someone understands, especially in pictures like that. Because when I feel like that, expressing myself in words isn’t enough.
And I get the lying. Somehow it feels easier than telling the truth, because then you don’t have to explain yourself to people whose fish don’t die.
Perhaps we should have a joint burial for our fish and then visit the pet store together? Okay… I’m actually beginning to get confused by this metaphor…
Sorry to hear the retreat wasn’t all that was hoped. I totally understand how 3 weeks away could not always be a good thing. I’f I was alone, I’d be lost.
I look forward to hearing about the good news… perhaps we could manage a smile between us? 🙂
I love you Steffer!!!
Right back at ya! XO
Hi S,
I cannot tell you how much I enjoy your blog, you make me laugh & cry (sometimes in the same blog). I have learnt more about you than when we shared an office; which makes me feel sad that things have changed yet happy that I know more about you. You have such a talent for writing I hope that you continue ( so that some day I can say I knew her before she was a Gellar prize winner).
S.W
Thanks for such lovely words Sue, and for being a devoted reader. I’m glad I’ve made you laugh (sorry about the crying). I’m not sure about the Gellar prize, but maybe you’ll be able to say “I knew her before she had 300 followers!”
Huge hug,
Steph